Friday, April 3, 2015

Austin Ann's movie review: Linda and Abilene (filmed at Spahn)


Please allow me to present my latest (or only) movie review on this great blog of ours. I give you "Linda and Abilene" from 1969. This particular soft-core "hair fest" was filmed at the late, great Spahn Ranch when certain, particular weirdos were in residence. Some of the features of this celluloid shit pie include:
  • dirty feet
  • numerous shots of Spahn Ranch, including back ranch house
  • dry humping with jeans on
  • nude creek fondling
  • scratches & bruises on actresses
  • horn-infested, love-making dry humping music
  • dubbed moaning in "balling" scenes
  • hair, and more HAIR
  • a truck and horse trailer in the background, even though the movie is supposed to take place in 1869)
  • nipples 
  • bar in saloon that has been written about in numerous books, including Paul Watkins book, where he described an incident that happened between Charlie Manson, Pat Krenwinkel, and some instruction on "bearded clam digging." 
  • a character named "Charlie" who plays a bartender (not CM)
  • a dirt trail that has TIRE marks, instead of hoof/wagon marks (supposed to be 1869)
  • pimply man buttocks
  • a laughing rapist with the weirdest, most insane comb-over-type squirrel hairdo
  • incest
  • oh, and lest I forget.....Bill Vance (the guy that Ella Bailey fled with) in a non-speaking, creep part
In closing, this movie is so hideous, it makes "The Ramrodder" look like an Oscar winner. Other than seeing the way Spahn Ranch looked back then, and discovering that Bill Vance actually had blue eyes, this thing almost put me to sleep. Like I always say, though, "to each their own!" Netflix is currently streaming, if you dare to watch!

 Pat Krenwinkel's beaver bar in the Longhorn Saloon

Back ranch house where orgies and baby birthing were aplenty

Bill Vance chewing on match & daydreaming about which house to pilfer next

Flap-comb-over-squirrel-roadkill, balding "thing" atop of head






52 comments:

SusanB said...

Lol...I love the review! I laughed out loud. Ive got to watch this thing . Pimply man buttocks....Eeeeww.

AustinAnn74 said...

I will be the first to comment on this. Uh, I still haven't figured out the flap-comb-over-squirrel-roadkill-balding "thing atop of laughing rapist's head. If you have seen this movie, you'll be trying to figure it out too. It looks like a yorkie.

Matt said...

Ass pimples finally make it to Manson Blog.

Robert Hendrickson said...

You shouldn't be so hard on filmmakers for stupid mistakes. Just look at "Private Ryan" by the most respected director in Hollywood. Everyone who ever served in the military cringes when they SEE that movie.

AND Robert Duval wearing that bright orange scarf in Appocolipse Now. I guess it's a good thing Hollywood types are excused from service.

Panamint Patty said...

Ann, how did you find this gem, and how did you find out it was filmed at Spahn? Patty has got to see this

bucpaul2812 said...

This sounds like the type of "so bad it's good" vehicle that mr.humphrat might like. From what I can see it looks even more unintentionally campy than "Ramrodder".

bucpaul2812 said...

OMG, I only just read that it was directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis, the high priest of kitsch, with films such as "Goldilocks and The Three Bares","Monster A-Go-Go", and the gorefest that is "Gruesome Twosome"! (Yes, I have a penchant for truly bad cinema, I confess).

orwhut said...
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orwhut said...

Bucpaul,
Don't forget The Blood Trilogy: Blood Feast, 2000 Maniacs, and Color me Blood Red. I love that kitch too.

Senor Robot said...

I had this idea to round up all the relevant footage from films and TV-series filmed at Spahn Ranch. Like my other Manson related projects, it fell through when i snapped back to reality and i realized i had things to do.

There's a list in Reel Cowboys of the Santa Susanas.

Diamond Stud (1969)
Fabulous Bastad from Chicago, The (1969)
Female Bunch, The (1969)
Hard on the Trail (1971)
Hell's Bloody Devils (1970)
Lash of Lust (1972)
Linda and Abilene (1969)
Manson (1973)
Ramrodder, The (1969)
Talisman, The (1966)
Wanda, the Sadistic Hypnotist (1969)

I'd add the following to the list.

Lone Ranger (1949)
Zorro (1957)
Bonanza (1959)
Creeping Terror (1964)
Other Side of Madness, The (1971)
Isis (1975)
Manson Family Movies (1984)
Inside the Manson Gang (2007)

Are there others?

candy and nuts said...

Satans Sadists maybe

Doc Sierra said...

I watch porn only for the articles. This must be one of those movies that was made before razors or tanning beds were invented. I wonder if that big hairy guy with the mustache is in this flick.....

AustinAnn74 said...

I am glad most everyone enjoyed my review. I found this by pure accident while looking for something to watch on Netflix. I looked it up and also found out Bill Vance was in it, so I had to watch.

AustinAnn74 said...

What??? Oh, Mr. H, have a sense of humor, please.

AustinAnn74 said...

It was the weirdest thing, Miss Patty. I was sitting there, in the waiting room at the hospital, waiting for my mom to come out of a procedure and I got on Netflix and that caught my eye, because I remembered seeing a poster of it on a Manson ATWAR tumblr page. So, I watched it at the hospital and laughed out loud numerous times. I also rewinded, paused and fast forwarded. It's a riot, man.

AustinAnn74 said...

I am so pleased you enjoyed the review. I guess I should of had a spoiler alert though. :)

AustinAnn74 said...

It's along the same lines as The Ramrodder. Very campy and unintentionally hilarious!

Doc Sierra said...

Robert Hendrickson said...

You shouldn't be so hard on filmmakers for stupid mistakes. Just look at "Private Ryan" by the most respected director in Hollywood. Everyone who ever served in the military cringes when they SEE that movie.
-----------------------
Hi Robert,
I'm a vet and I found Saving Private Ryan pretty much dead on as far as military language and attitude. What is it about this movie that you find inaccurate?

chimpydork said...


Great review, AustinAnn - and you are right - I can stream this at Netflix - don't even have to wait for a mailed DVD.

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70283279?sod=search-autocomplete

Warm up the popcorn and sand the ass pimples,
I'm watchin' this tonight! =D

HellzBellz said...

AustinAnn74 Sayed: ,,I was sitting there,in the waiting room at the hospital,waiting for my mom. So, I watched it at the hospital,,
Heuhhh ??? Do they play Porn in the Hospital-WaitingRoom in the USA ???

Mr. Humphrat said...

Hey BucPaul thanks for remembering! This would be worth seeing especially since Bill Vance was in it.

AustinAnn74 said...

I watched the movie on Netflix on my phone. Haha....That would be funny is they played it at the hospital. Haha!!!!

AustinAnn74 said...

Right on!!!

Panamint Patty said...

So it was found by "Happy Accident." Sweet! Thanks for the tip xoxo

AustinAnn74 said...

That's right! Haha...

SusanB said...

Never mind his hair...in the shot of the rapist, his ear looks like very inflamed and swollen butt hole!
And before you ask, I'm a nurse. I know what Im talking about....unfortunately.

Jemima Puddleduck said...

Couldn't find on Netflix, but it's available at http://www.truvafilm.com/linda-and-abilene-erotik-film-izle - not too bad an image either. I had a quick scan - it looks terrible.

AustinAnn74 said...

I just looked again on Netflix. It is on there still.

AustinAnn74 said...

Maybe it's the butthole of the squirrel! Hahaha....

Jemima Puddleduck said...

RH were you at Normandy?

Saving Private Ryan has been regarded by so many people (incl. military who were there) as pretty much the way it was - see for example http://www.dday-overlord.com/eng/saving_private_ryan_relations.htm.

Can you substantiate your claim that "Everyone who ever served in the military cringes when they SEE that movie"?

Just asking.

And much as I admire Spielberg, I would hesitate to call him "the most respected director in Hollywood". But that's probably down to choice.

Jem

Jemima Puddleduck said...

Ann, what you see on Netflix depends where you are! I'm not in the US right now so I guess it serves me up other choices. For better or for worse.

AustinAnn74 said...

Oh, I see. I'm so sorry you can't enjoy this feature. Where are you, may I ask? Have you tried to Google it to see if you can see it somewhere on the net?

Robert Hendrickson said...

You hit the nail on the head ANN, where's my sense of humor ? I had NOT even realized I lost it.

AND if a Wild Bunch of dirty, smelly Hippes making porno comedy movies by day - while prepping for the bloody Battle of Armageddon at night - is NOT the most laughable story you ever heard - what is ?

Keep-up the good work ANN - and I love YOUR stories about the invasion of AUSTIN by Aliens.

Maybe it's TIME for a movie about a small Texas town being overrun by remote controlled Dune Buggies ?

AND only a White cowboy disquised as Black politician (going thru transition) can save the day.

Jemima Puddleduck said...

I'm in Patagonia, Ann. But as I said, I (and anyone) can see the movie in its entirety at http://www.truvafilm.com/linda-and-abilene-erotik-film-izle.

AustinAnn74 said...

Hmmm. That sounds like a good idea, Mr. H! Overrun and taken over is more like it. Buda, Texas, which is right outside of Austin is almost completely out of water now, because of the invasions. Our lakes look like moon craters and now where there used to be rolling, green hills all you see is tract housing. It's sickening. Today, in the news invaders are now bitching & moaning about all the BBQ smoke in downtown Austin. People come here, take over, then want to completely change the culture and mood of an entire area. Downtown yuppy condo dwellers bitch about the loud music and now BBQ smoke. Austin, Texas no longer exists.

candy and nuts said...

ann movies like these are history ill try to find it at least they show truth not some plastic kardashian illusion

candy and nuts said...
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candy and nuts said...
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AustinAnn74 said...

I think I hate the KardASSians more than anything else on earth. I don't watch their moronic shows, buy their sweatshop-made clothes or purchase any of their cosmetics & perfumes. Anything that helps them achieve more wealth, I am against. Ah, if only I were king or queen for a day.....Anyway, Candy, I know what ya mean. I'd much rather watch movies like Linda and Abilene & The Ramrodder any day of the week.

Mr. Humphrat said...

The film stock on this project tried to hurl itself off a shelf into a fire. That's just how depressed it was.

Trilby said...

Maybe because I'm drunk off my ass, or maybe because I'm just warped anyway... I.Can't.Stop.Laughing. at this post/review. Off to Amazon to see if the DVD is for sale, don't have Netflix. Already have stellar Oscar also-rans "Ramrodder" & "The Other Side of Madness" (not to mention "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls") eating up room on the shelf...

Trilby said...

And LOL -ing at Doc's comment about razors. The first time I went to Esalen's hot baths was in '95, with my "ex", a singer/songwriter/musician of many years, including his claim to fame in the 60s, who knew most of the cast of characters in this saga. We were there from 1-3:30a, the open to the public hours by reservation. Gorgeous cliffside baths, water rolling in underneath, moonlight, great pot, & then... every time someone walked up and spoke to you ("Do you mind if we..." "Any room here...?"), they'd be at eye level, & Jeeezzzuusss... you'd open your eyes... and HAIR!!!! (NOT beautiful) HAIR!!! And I remember my exact words to him were: "Doesn't anyone own a g.d. razor?!" Ugh. I used to spend summers with my godfather in Vegas and Topanga as a teenager in the 70s, & from perusing his Playboy mags in the can, decided at a very early age that the 80% Brazilian was the aesthetic for me.

Doc Sierra said...

Hi Trilby, I lived in Monterey County for a few years. I drove past Esalen many times but never went in. My former girlfriend and I used to go to Nepenthe now and then. There's a restaurant in Big Sur that has patio furniture in the middle of a creek and the wait staff will take your order and bring your food to the creek. Have you been to the free box or the hippie shower? Big Sur is one of my favorite places on Earth. Man, I miss it. I need to go there for a road trip.....

AustinAnn74 said...

Trilby, that is hilarious!

chimpydork said...

Watched it last night. Absolutely boring when it was not being horrible.

Only reason I watched it was for outdoor shots of Spahn in '69 when it was filmed. They are few and far between.

Wouldn't recommend anyone waste their time on it.

Like someone else said: makes "Ramrodder" look like "Citizen Kane"
=D

HellzBellz said...

@ Chimpydork: Now you mention ,,Citizen Kane,, first to my mind came the docu-film ,,Citizen Shane,, its about a local who wanna be a Mayor in his little sleepy town.....and the Guy correspondence and phones with Manson in that Docu.....Maybe interesting for those who did not see it before....

mrgroove said...

I have to give you credit Ann. You've got far more patience than I have. I made through roughly 15 minutes of this travesty of a film before I gave up mainly to see the old Spahn scenes. It's simply amazing that anyone put up a dime to shoot this dog of a film. I guess having the 1969 Spahn footage is something. Otherwise, I suppose this can also be used for film students in what not to do.

AustinAnn74 said...

Mr. Groove, did you get to see the roadkill on top of the laughing rapist's head?

orwhut said...

Does anyone recognize the music played during the parent's funeral?

mrgroove said...

Yup Anne. How could I have missed the roadkill atop the rapist's head? Pathetic. I guess the performer's hair stylist called in sick the day of the shoot.

The famed incompetent shlock film director Edward D. Wood might have improved this turkey.

Mr. Humphrat said...

orwhut the tune sounds similar to Red River Valley but I know it's different.

orwhut said...

Mr. Humphrat,
Thank you. That might be why the tune seems so familiar. I've searched every way I know how and can't find out the name of the tune.